There are a few things I can depend upon in this world. The emphasis here is in things, not people. There are lots of people I can depend upon. This blog is about things. Well, about one thing in particular.


But lately I’ve experienced a new and rather scary phenomenon: #coffeefail. It has happened three times. **

Coffeefail –1: The time last week where I nearly feel asleep during the five minute drive home from the coffee shop. I should have been in caffeinated bliss, but I was uber-dozy and St. Matt had to poke me to get me out of the car.

Coffeefail –2: The day a few weeks back when it became all too apparent why I don’t make the coffee in our household. While driving home after work, I’d decided a post-school pot would be necessary if I wanted to stay awake until St. Matt arrived home around 7. How tricky could it possibly be? I’d seen St. Matt do it enough times.

After I opened the package with a little too much anticipation – creating coffee-confetti that Puggle #2 was more than happy to start licking up – I figured I’d make up for the missing grounds by adding hot cocoa powder.

Apparently this is a no-no. And apparently I’m the only one in the world who didn’t know this. If you were also excluded from this crucial piece of information, learn from my mistake. Don’t do it. Ever.

Coffeefail – 3: This morning I stumbled downstairs around six. I was in bleary post-roadtrip disorientation. I should know my childhood home with my eyes closed, but my mom keeps moving stuff. And buying new stuff.

Like a new coffeemaker.

It’s pretty. Red. Metal. Shiny. It has lots of buttons and display screens. I was flummoxed. St. Matt was baffled. There are multiple filters & compartments – where does the coffee go? How do I make it come out? Crisis.

I stared at it with my best puppy-dog-lip-quivering face – hoping it would take pity and magically begin brewing. It’s pretty fancy, I thought it might have a sensor that detected critical-caffeine-deprivation. Instead it just blinked from three different LED lights.

St. Matt must have sensed how close I was to haphazardly pressing buttons and pouring grounds in all orifices. “Back away, Tiffany. We’ll ask your parents.”

I sat on the floor until they woke up. Saved!

But, wait. They don’t know how to use it either! They don’t drink coffee. Mom bought it for our visit, but couldn’t remember where she put the directions. And she thought it might need filters, but she’d forgotten to buy any.

I might have been quietly rocking and moaning by this point. Puggle #2 might have come to sit in my lap to offer puppy kisses.

I turned to Twitter for solace while St. Matt and Dad hunted down the directions and determined filters were needed. Dad fiddled with buttons and programmed the clock. St. Matt grabbed car keys and pulled me off the floor.

“Let’s go get filters.”

“Coffee FIRST.”

So Dunkin Donuts for coffee, then Stop ‘n Shop for filters, then home for more coffee. Crisis averted.

I still, however, do not understand the logic of a coffee maker that’s smarter than its owners. Why would the designers needlessly complicate something users will be handling before they are properly caffeinated?

Coffee makers need exactly one button. I can read: Coffee, Go!, or Don’t-worry-buddy-caffeine’s-on-it’s-way. Even better, coffee makers should have a sensor: when eyelids part, percolating commences.

That would be #coffeewin

**I realize examples two and three are not actually the fault of coffee, but they still resulted in my failing to maintain the appropriate level of caffeine in my bloodstream, so I include them in #coffeefail.

6 Replies to “#Coffeefail”

  1. For event #1 I strongly suspect some evil coffe-wench slipped you some decaf!

    event #2 – next time you want coffee & chocolate make separately then mix. Or go to Dunkin Donuts and ask for a Duncaccino.

    event #3 – full agreement. coffee pot should be simple. obviously this one was made by someone who doesn’t drink coffee.

  2. I’m curious what actually happened during event #2. Not curious enough to try it, mind you, but I am wondering.

    Lately I’ve had a couple of incidents when coffee failed me and I was sleepy again much sooner than I should have been. The thought crossed my mind that I could be building up a caffeine tolerance? *shudder*

  3. My fave #coffeefail is when I was attemping the 8-hour-drive from Erie to Philly on a Monday [so everyone else was at work and I couldn’t pester people by calling and begging them to talk and keep me awake] AFTER a week of sleeplessness as a camp counselor. [longest sentence ever!]

    I finally got to talk my sister on her lunch break and since she was young and energetic I asked for advice” how can I stay awake for the next 6 hours?’

    She told me to pull off the freeway ASAP and purchase a can of Starbucks double shot espresso…so after a 20-minute detour I finally got some. I downed the whole thing…and still my eyelids would not stay as wide as needed. I think I may have called my sis back and left a *ahem* less-than-pleasant voicemail. 😉

    Major #coffeefail. One of the worst drives ever. Ugh.

  4. Have you ever tried Rockstar? I haven’t and I don’t think I’m ever going to. But srsly, I’m not allowed to touch the coffee pot either! Luckily ours is programmable so it starts brewing pre-eyelid-parting! Do you get to keep the swanky red machine as a consolation prize??

  5. Gail – #1 agreed #2 learned (and the next day St. Matt did just this. I got to school, sipped my coffee and thought: chocolate?! I bet he thought he was pretty clever *grumbles*) #3 I can imagine the designers sitting around in white lab coats laughing at their clever plans to conquer the world by withholding caffeine. Can’t you just hear their evil mwahahaha’s?

    Lindsay – Caffeine tolerance? *whimper* Say it isn’t so. Do NOT try #2. Don’t.

    The-Other-Tiffany – YUCK! You know how much I HATE driving, so I totally empathize. This is when you roll down the windows and sing along w/ whatever’s on the radio. Even if it’s Hansen.

    Emily, I *AM* a Rockstar in my mind… drinking it would not be a good idea. (Hmmm, it’s a good thing you didn’t suggest Monster)

  6. My husband manages a coffeeshop and we didn’t own a coffee pot for a long time but I broke down one day because sometimes we have visitors who like to drink coffee. But I’m not the best at it and my husband is “off duty” and is not a help. So that sucks about the big red coffeemaker.

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