If my teacher passes out, can we go home early?

Disclaimer:  I love my class.  I really do.  I am lucky to be the teacher of 26 of the most respectful, intelligent, curious, and creative 6th graders who have ever lived.  I wouldn’t trade them for anyone.  (Well, maybe for last year’s class of angels-disguised-as-students, but no one else).

Having said that, these creative young minds do very creative things with the English language.  Some of them are hilarious, like this line from a student’s narrative about the day his dog fell in the pool:

 “We quickly learned that Mocha was no Michael Phelps.”

Others, however, are not purposely funny, but hilarious all the same.

About the Great Depression:  “This was first America’s crisis, but soon became a nationwide problem.” (I think we need to review our geography…)  

About Teddy Roosevelt:  “After McKinley died, Teddy Roosevelt had to be president right away.  He was on a hiking trip with his family, so I’m not sure why they made him do it right away.”  (Seriously, couldn’t the American public at least wait until he finished his vacation?)

About Eco-friendly energy sources:  “Savannah Desert uses solar panels to cook her dinner.”  (Is she a good cook?  I’ll be right over!)

About Global Warming:  “You may be asking yourself, what are fossil fuels.  I’m pretty sure they’re dead animals that are burned as fuel.”  (Next time, wait until you’re really sure.  We are not scooping up road kill and burning it.)

About Diverticulitis: “Imagine your lower intestine breaking open and spilling toxic waste into the body.”  (No!  NO!  I do not want to imagine that. Take it back!)

In other disturbing-image news, the PowerPoint presentations that went along with these papers had me screaming:

Holy guacamole!  Where are the school’s image filters and firewalls?!

While the student who was researching Michael Phelps’s Olympic accomplishments (this was pre-scandal) couldn’t get any images, because his Olympic uniform is apparently “indecent apparel,” others were able to get much more disturbing photos.

The student whose topic was “How could the assassination of JFK have been prevented?” was able to get full-color autopsy photos.  (Side note: Whether in or out of school, why should these ever be available?) 

I’m sitting in that presentation, doing my smiley-encouraging-I’m-listening-you’re-doing-so-great nod when – WHAM-O  – slide change and I’m looking at something so gory that I may have screamed just a little.

*needs to take a typing break to compose self*

So, the autopsy photo comes up and my head immediately goes between my knees and I’m hyperventilating.  Boy, this kid was a champ (or oblivious, one or the other) because even though his teacher’s about to pass out, he kept right on presenting.  Picking up the e-marker and drawing all over who knows what (I was busy memorizing the stains on the industrial carpeting and trying not to vomit and add to them).  Kinda remember hearing: “I’m going to trace the path the bullet followed.  This used to be his temple…”  but then I blacked out a little bit.  This made assessing his conclusion a bit challenging. 

I love my class.  I really do.  Even if they make me queasy and dizzy. 

Today’s grade report
Students’ effort : A
Students’ unintentional humor quotient: A
School’s firewalls : F